What to Do if You’re in Love With Someone Who Is Afraid of Love

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Draven Porter, Author

Draven Porter

Expertise: Marriage & Family Life Advice

Esteemed relationship writer Draven Porter explores human connection complexities. With a psychology background, his writing offers powerful insights and thoughtful analysis.

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Updated: 30 Apr, 2024

Table of Contents

They fear pain more than love, so take it slow, be patient, and show gentle, consistent care.
Don't push or force a relationship, be honest and a steady, safe friend, because trust grows when lies stay out and vulnerability is earned.
Stay present and social, limit time alone at first, and show you belong with their circle so they feel seen, safe, and more willing to open up over time.

It may sound like a silly question, but a lot of broken-hearted folks worldwide are now afraid of love. They are too scared to fall in love again for fear of reliving the unbearable pain they went through.

How does one deal with someone who is afraid of love? If you are attracted to such a person, will they return your affection, or are you looking into an unrequited love relationship?

Courting a person who is afraid of love

If you are the martyr type who is in love with someone like that, don’t fret. It’s not the end of the world. There is still a way to turn things around in your favor. It will just take time, a lot of time.

A person who is afraid of love does not fear love itself but the pain that follows if it fails.

They are no longer willing to leave themselves vulnerable and open their heart and soul to a person and then be cast aside.

In other words, it isn’t love itself that they fear, but failed relationships. So the trick here is not to press the issue and make that person fall in love again without realizing it.

Breaking down walls

People who have “afraid of love” phobia have a defense mechanism that prevents them from being close to anyone. They will push away people who get too close and are guarded against anyone they deem too friendly.

If you want to have a relationship with such a person, you will have to break through their defense. It is not an easy task, and it will test your patience to the limit.

So before you begin and waste your time, decide to either go through with it till the end or quit while you haven’t lost anything yet. If you do end up trying, you will have to give it your all, and it may take years to achieve a breakthrough.

If you are still willing to take on the challenge of courting someone who is afraid of love, here are some tips that would help increase your chances from zero to maybe.

Take it slow

Aggressive, passive-aggressive, or passive methods will not work. If you go to them, they will reject you. If you wait for them to come to you, then you will wait forever.

Understand that you only have one weapon, the heart. There is a hole in their heart that needs to be filled. It is human nature.

It is a conscious effort by their brain that will prevent you from getting close to it. So you have to slowly fill that hole with thoughts of you without alerting their brain.

Don’t push it

They cannot stop themselves from falling in love (again), but they can stop themselves from being in a relationship. The easiest way to do this is by entering the dreaded friend zone.

Do not even dare or hint that you want to be in a relationship with them. It is the one and only white lie you are allowed to say. Other than that, you have to be honest.

People who are afraid of love were most likely betrayed by their ex. One of the ways that betrayal manifested is through lies. It follows that they will detest lies and liars.

So, be an honest friend.

Do not be too available

Attractive Classy Couple Having Romance Together With Nature-loving Relationship Concept

Do not take every opportunity that presents itself. It will trigger the defense mechanism if you are always available for them.

Unless they specifically call for you, do not create too many “coincidences” to talk or meet in person, learn about their interests through social media or through their friends.

Do not be a stalker. If they catch you once, it’s over.

Once you find out what they like, match it with things that you like.

For example, if both of you love Korean food, go eat in a Korean restaurant with your other friends, wait for them to react to it before you suggest (don’t invite) to come together with your other friends if they are interested. The more people present, the less guarded they will be.

Do not force yourself to like things to get their attention. It will also raise alarms if you are “too perfect.”

Limit your time alone together

At least at the start, if you can go out with your friends that will be better. The more people present, the less likely their brain will process it as a legitimate date.

Do not focus solely on them and enjoy the company of others.

The more they see you are comfortable with “their crowd,” the more their defenses will consider you as a “safe” person.

Do not talk about their past or future

Reminding that person of the reasons why they are afraid of love in the first place is taboo. The last thing you want to do is to ruin all your efforts by reminding them why they do not want to be in a relationship with you (or anyone else).

As per Christiana Njoku, a Licensed Professional Counselor, Relationship Coach, and Marriage Mentor,

Bringing negative past experiences into the present will only ruin the joy of the moment, even for someone who is afraid of love. Let the past remain in the past and have the most of the present.

Talking about the future will have the same effect. It will remind them how they once had a future with their ex and how everything broke apart like a house of cards.

Stick to the present and have fun. If they enjoy your company, they will turn around and miss you for it.

Be patient

Everything will take time. The moment they are in love with you, they will deny it. They will do all they can to remove you from their lives.

If you notice that they are pushing you away, then stay away. Do not be angry or even ask the reason why. It is a good sign that they realized their defenses are broken, and they are trying to rebuild them.

Give it a couple of weeks before you create a fated encounter. From there, good luck.

Here are some “afraid of love quotes” to help you go through with it.

“Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back… then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.”

– Sarah Cross

“Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.”

– J.M. Barrie

“Soul connections are not often found and are worth every bit of fight left in you to keep.”

– Shannon Adler

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Draven Porter Author

Draven Porter is an esteemed relationship writer who delves deep into the complexities of human connection. With a background in psychology, Draven’s writing is known for its powerful insights and thoughtful analysis. When not... Read more writing, Draven can be found exploring his passion for music and attending concerts. Draven’s unique perspective on relationships is rooted in his fascination with different cultures and he enjoys immersing himself in new experiences through travel and trying out exotic cuisines. Read less